WTF 4

When you’re eating at the Bellagio, you need to do it right.  Plate 1: prime rib lightly doused in sauce, crab cake, two slices of smoked salmon, pork tenderloin, mushrooms tossed in garlic and butter, and finally: steamed asparagus.  I have other pictures but I’ll spare you the pain.

Do you know what has always baffled me?  Why the hell do people say they don’t want to eat asparagus because it makes their pee smell?  Wtf?  Did your pee smell any better before you ate asparagus?  I don’t like the way urine smells, whether I’ve eaten asparagus or whether I’ve eaten roses (and I’ve eaten roses before).  It doesn’t make a difference.  Pee smells.  Always.

And why are you smelling your pee anyways?  Don’t you hold your breath when you can anyways?  You know recently I’ve found myself in a pickle when it comes to breathing out of your mouth when you’re in the bathroom.  At a very early age I discovered that I could avoid the terrible stench of the school bathrooms by breathing through my mouth instead of my nose.  But it wasn’t until recently that someone informed me that part of the way you smell is through small particles of the object entering your nostrils.  That’s when my mind started connecting the dots and the horror started to build.  If that was true, I might not be smelling the urine and stool of countless people but instead sucking their residue straight into my mouth!!!  Wtffff?

So what do you do when you’re stuck in the bathroom from hell and you don’t have the capacity to hold your breath like a freakin’ whale?  One time I dropped a deuce that was downright evil and when I tried not to breathe until I stepped out the bathroom I damn near popped a blood vein.  It doesn’t work!  What’s the answer?  Are you doomed to simply pick your poison?  Someone needs to do a reputable study about the quantifiable effects of breathing in the smell of pee/poo through your nose vs. breathing it through your mouth.  God knows less practical studies have been performed.  Wtf.